


Let Me Go (On My Own Terms)

by olympicparker



Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Depressed Peter, M/M, Sorry guys, Suicide, could be construed as cheating?, minimal editing went into this, no happy ending, things suck for peter parker, tony is mean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-03 01:24:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19453471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/olympicparker/pseuds/olympicparker
Summary: When Peter Parker returns from the soul realm, the first thing he wants to do is spend time with his husband and meet their daughter who was born just after he died. What happens when he finds out that life has moved on, taking his family with it?This work does not have a happy ending as of now but if I get enough feedback I might be convinced to write one :)





	Let Me Go (On My Own Terms)

‘I think we should talk.’

That's what Tony had said.

“Yeah, I think we should.” Peter squares his shoulders, “How about you start by explaining why our daughter is calling your ex ‘mommy’” His voice quivers despite himself.

Tony’s jaw tightens at the mention of pepper and Peters blood suddenly runs cold.

His eyes dart over the older mans face desperately. To find something, anything, to cling to.

His heart is pounding in his ears as he wills himself away from a panic attack, “….She- she’s not your ex anymore is she?”

Peter wants more than anything for that not to be the truth. For Tony to tell him this was all a joke and that things will go back to how they were. But that’s not realistic. And peters heart is breaking.

Tony shakes his head.

Peter nearly doubles over as an unexpected cry rips its way through his chest.

“When she agreed to be our surrogate you told me,” Peter weeps, “You TOLD ME that there was n-nothing between you!” he points an accusing finger at tony aggressively, his tears burning wet tracks down his cheeks.

Tony, for his part, seems unaffected by everything, which only serves to fuel Peter’s anger and self hatred. He wants Tony to scream back, he wants him to cry, and beg. He wants Tony to hit him- to do anything to show that he even cared in the first place.

But he doesn’t.

“A lot changes in five years, Pete,” He says evenly. It was meant to come off as sympathetic, he knows. But all Peter can hear is the coldness underneath.

“Not for me it doesn’t,” Peter croaks as his voice breaks off in a sob.

He wretches his eyes away from Tony's face, tries to look anywhere else in attempt to ground himself. But his tears are so thick and everything is too blurry to see properly. What a mess he must look like.

Peter attempts to breathe properly now, to stop his hyperventilating in its tracks. In the nose, out the mouth, repeat.

He wipes his face with his arm furiously to clear his eyes and wipe the snot away from his nose.

When he braves a glance back to Tony, the man’s hands are in his pockets and the way he’s peering back at peter from behind his glasses seems… bored. He chokes on another sob.

“Listen, kid,” Tony starts, and Peter feels like he’s been slapped in the face. There’s that word again. Kid, Peter winces. It’s what Tony had called him before they’d gotten together- back when Tony was still attempting to put distance between them. It hurts to hear it again, especially without the endearing quality it once had. “I’m not gonna throw you out on the street or anything. There are plenty of empty rooms at the compound, and the towers been vacant for a while. You can take your pick.”

And isn’t that just so thoughtful. To offer up the place they once called home together. Except this time there would be no Tony. A big open penthouse and no one to share it with.

Then again, Peter couldn’t shake the sick feeling twisting in his gut. The same feeling that wanted to go back, even if just to torture himself.

He starts playing with the metal band around his left ring finger in an attempt to stop his hands from shaking so violently.

Peter swallows before speaking, “W-what about us? We were married for three years, Tony, that was real-”

“So is your death certificate.” Tony snaps.

If peters heart weren’t already shattered and buried six feet deep this would be the nail in its coffin. Tony is clearly tired of him and nothing has ever hurt more. He would take a dozen buildings collapsing on top of him if it meant never feeling this way.

He slowly slides the wedding ring off his still shaking fingers.

‘This is it,’ he thinks.

His whole life has been ripped from him in a matter of hours and this is his resignation.

He approaches Tony slowly, still not meeting the other man's eyes as he presses the ring firmly into his palm. Maybe he’s afraid of what he’d see.

“Give Morgan a kiss for me,” he whispers.

And just like that, Peter is gone.

—  
It’s over a week of radio silence before Tony even hears about Peter again, although Happy did mention he’d been staying at the tower.

Tony wonders vaguely if he's been using their bed.

Okay, maybe more than vaguely but he tries not to get into that.

Between spending time with Morgan and trying to tie up all the loose ends that accompanied the reversal, he finds it’s easier to stay busy than he thought it would be.

It’s nearly 9 pm now. Things have started to simmer down and Morgan is already in bed, so things are actually relatively calm for the first time in a while. It should be a good thing except for the fact that Tony Stark isn’t good at being alone with his thoughts.

Maybe he’s started slipping into some of his old ways again, but he’s also been so good at pushing Peter out of his mind.

Until tonight, that is.

He’s been toying with the rim of his (watered down) scotch glass for the better part of an hour and try as he may, Tony feels his resolve giving way.

His phone has been taunting him from where it’s laying face up on the table and he starts to think.

What would he even say? Sorry? But sorry for what. Sorry for replacing you? Sorry that our daughter doesn’t have a clue who you are? Sorry you died?

The thing is, Tony’s not even sure he knows what he wants at this point. He loves Peter more than life itself, but even though it hurts to think about, life moved on after he passed. They had a funeral for god’s sake. Little does Peter know that he took Morgan to visit his grave every week until she was two.

But things are different now. And Tony isn’t sure how Peter fits into his new life. If he even fits at all.

Tony cracks and reaches for his phone, but before he can, the screen lights up with Happy’s name. Tony’s brows furrow together. Happy doesn’t usually call this late. Despite the churning feeling in his gut, he answers the phone.

“Hey Hap what’s up?” Tony says.

“I think you should go check out the tower,” Happy says. “There’s someone on the roof.”

—

Maybe Peter didn’t come back whole.

That is, his body is intact and from what he can tell he still has all his organs, but nothing’s really felt right since.

Then again, the knowledge that Tony and their daughter are out there playing house without him is hard to ignore as well.

He already reunited with May and Ned and MJ and that had been… good. They hugged and cried and May tried to make them all dinner from scratch. It almost felt like old times, in a way.

Despite it all, Peter couldn’t help the tug at the back of his brain. He smiled and laughed with the others but he couldn’t shake the feeling of being happy for them- not necessarily being happy himself.

So maybe Peter didn’t come back whole.

As soon as dinner was over, Peter excused himself with some off handed excuse about spending time with Tony. Ned and May just smiled and told him to visit. MJ punched his arm and thanked him for not staying dead.

“Bring that grand niece of mine next time,” May called after him, “I want to meet her.”

Peter could barely muster a smile back.

He thought he just needed time to think. Maybe if he spent some time alone he could come up with a game plan. After all, his life and it’s subsequent plans for him might as well have died when he did.

So Peter all but locked himself alone in the tower. At first he was surprised to see the kitchen fully stocked, but then again Happy could be pretty efficient when he wanted to be.

He finally gave into sleep after 2 days. The shaking stopped after 3 days. He ate again after almost 4 days. The crying spells stopped after 10.

Peter wishes he could say the quiet calmed his mind, but what he’s feeling feels more akin to numbness than peace.

There’s no more anger or turmoil waging a war inside his body. The colors of the world around him seem dull (on the occasions he bothers to even focus his eyes).

Maybe this is the eye of the hurricane but Peter doesn’t care.

He misses the lightning he would feel under his skin all those years ago. The jolts of adrenaline, and joy, or even pain… Peter almost wishes he could feel the pain again.

That’s when he gets his idea.

Peters life stopped being his the moment he turned to dust. He couldn’t control his death the first time. But this time- the last time- will be on his terms.

-

Peters legs dangle off the edge of Stark Tower, the only reminder he’s alive being the sharp cut of wind across his skin.

He’s only been here 15 minutes but it feels long enough to fill a lifetime, especially with the moon and stars sprinkling the sky above like nothing matters to them.

He thought he’d be more nervous, to be honest. Isn’t that how you’re supposed to feel when you know your life is about to come to an end? But he’s not scared. Heights like these never bothered him… maybe they should under the circumstances, but the tiredness in his bones and the ache in his heart is enough to silence his instincts.

That being said, his heart rate does increase a couple beats faster as he plants his hands on the concrete ledge and amble to his feet. He’s done waiting.

He stares at the street below, hums of the few vehicles and people out late in the night catch his ears. He almost starts to wonder what they’ll think when they hear that spider-man is dead, but he catches himself when he realizes they lasted 5 years without him. He’s probably the last thing on their minds.

Somehow that’s reassuring.

He thinks to May and MJ and Ned. They’ll be fine. Death these days has become a part of life, and even though Peter knows they’ll mourn for him, he knows they’ll heal eventually. Like Tony did.

Maybe May will even get remarried. He’s noticed her and Happy flirting a couple times. They could be good together.

Peter knows he’s just rationalizing now; making excuses for his own selfishness.

But so what? He thinks.

Maybe Peter Parker deserves to be selfish for once. If being selfish is what it takes to stop feeling like his soul is decomposing inside his body, well. That’s alright with him.

Just this once.

Peter closes his eyes.

When suddenly… his brain lights up like a switchboard and goosebumps rise on his skin just as quick..

Peter whips around in one swift move, balance never faltering, and shoots one quick burst of webs from his outstretched arm.

When his brain clears enough to process the scene in front of him, he sees Tony staring at him with wide eyes, one hand webbed to the handle of the roof door.

Kind of a fitting. Their first and last encounters.

“Peter,” Tony croaks.

Just a couple days ago it was Peter who was the mess while Tony stayed stoic and collected. Now the tables are turned and Peter has never felt more in control.

“Peter I don’t know what you’re doing, but you’ve gotta get off the ledge, baby,” Tony pleads. Peters throat tightens at the endearment.

But he knows it’s all an act. Tony doesn’t care about him, he practically said it himself.

It’s okay though.

Peter has already resigned himself to his fate.

He’ll be free and Tony can go back to his life like nothing happened. It’s perfect for both of them- he only wishes Tony could see that.

Maybe this is what’s best for Morgan anyway. People in the media always told him she needed a mother; that Peter could never provide that kind of support.

Tony had always silenced his fears back then but now… Peter isn’t so sure.

‘It’s alright it’s alright it’s alright,’ he chants in his head like a mantra.

It’s alright.

Another gust of wind brings Peter back to the present.

He considers Tony. The other man is still wearing sweatpants, meaning he probably didn’t mean to end up here on his own. Peter regrets bothering him.

Tony’s eyes are rimmed purple like they used to be when he had nightmares, and Peter’s heart yearns to comfort him. To hold him again and force him to drink tea to help him sleep like before.

It’ll all be better soon.

The sooner he’s gone, the sooner Tony can finally be happy. That’s all he wanted, anyway- what he still wants.

A hollow smile graces Peters face, “I don’t blame you, Tony-“

His eyes are dull compared to the fire behind Tony’s; wide with terror.

“- But I wish you never brought me back.”

With arms stretched like wings, Peter lets himself go and leans back. He smiles as he falls, eyes falling shut softly.

It’s alright.

**Author's Note:**

> Lol sorry guys. Like I said, might write a happy ending who knows. Until then go bug me on tumblr @olympicparker


End file.
